


Digging a Deeper Hole

by SnowflakeofJustice



Category: Dear Evan Hansen - Pasek & Paul/Levenson
Genre: Alternate Universe - Everyone Lives/Nobody Dies, F/F, I cannot stress this enough, I know it looks like it at first, M/M, but he is not dead, especially not Connor, i could never do that to my children, i havent decided yet, let me know what you think, no one dies, possible, sincerely three
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-10-11
Updated: 2017-12-14
Packaged: 2019-01-15 23:47:39
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 6
Words: 15,148
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12331269
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SnowflakeofJustice/pseuds/SnowflakeofJustice
Summary: He looked down and saw the words spinning on the page, and tried to make sense of them all. Slowly, he began to make out the first words on the page.Dear Evan Hansen,Turns out this wasn’t an amazing day after all.It was his therapy assignment. He stared at the paper, uncomprehending.One beat. Two beats.Suddenly he understood what was happening.“Oh,fuck.”





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> A "neither one of us has friends so we pretend to be each other's friends but whoops now we're super close my bad" AU, but with a twist! No, not really. It's Dear Evan Hansen so basically whatever I write for this fandom is going to be hella gay.

**_Evan_**

“Hey Connor!” _Oh, no. Not again._ “Loving the new hair length! Very school shooter chic.” Jared was always doing this. Why was he always doing this? Why, for the love of god, did Jared always do the one exact thing that made Evan’s hair stand on end every second of every day? It was like he existed only to further Evan’s anxiety. 

Connor’s head snapped up. He glared at Jared, who seemed to realize that he said something out of line. “I was just… kidding, it was a joke?” 

Connor stalked over to Jared and leaned down right in his face. “Yeah, no. It was funny. I’m laughing, can’t you tell?” Jared backed up a step, almost crashing into Evan, who now had nowhere to go, with Jared right in front of him and the lockers about two steps behind him. “Am I not laughing hard enough for you?” 

“You’re such a freak.” Jared was backing up, away from Connor, which was proving to be more than a little difficult given that _Evan was still standing right there why was he still there he needed to move needed to get out of the way but he was just standing there oh god._ He was rooted to the spot, and stood there, not moving, as Jared finally turned and pushed past Evan, as he fled, as Connor turned to watch him go, smirking, and _this whole thing was ridiculous how was it even happening, why was he still there?_ Evan laughed nervously, hoping that he would remember how to move his legs so he could get to class- at any point, really, he wasn’t picky.

Connor rounded on him so fast it was as if he had been waiting for Evan to do something. “What, you think I’m a freak? You’re the fucking freak!” He shoved Evan, so hard that Evan slipped and fell, cracking his head on the lockers on the way down, watching Connor hesitate, then turn and run, disappearing into a crowd of people and _he was still not goddamn moving what was wrong with him, he needed to get up, he needed to go he needed to breathe oh god ohgodohgodohgod he couldn’t breathe_

“Um, excuse me? Hi? Are you okay?” Evan blinked. A girl was standing in front of him, blocking the harsh glare of the sunlight as he stared up at her helplessly. She smiled, and reached a hand down to help him up. Slowly, he let her heave him up as he leaned back against the lockers for support. “I saw Connor push you in the hall. He’s my brother,” she rolled her eyes. “and he’s always doing stuff like this, and I wish he wouldn’t, but that’s just the way it is.” That’s okay, Evan wanted to say, but he couldn’t draw in enough breath to say anything. “I’m Zoe, by the way. We have American History together. And Statistics?”

Evan nodded. “I… I know,” he finally managed to choke out. Oh, wait, no, that sounded rude, and now she was going to hate him for being so rude and just cutting her off like that _oh god why couldn’t he just be normal and nice to people like everyone else what was wrong with him_

Zoe brightened. “You know me? Great! I’ll walk down to history with you now, then. I’m having such a hard time remembering all those dates, like yesterday, when we were taking notes, I was totally paying attention, but somehow in the space of like two minutes, while I was looking for a pencil sharpener, we went all the way from 1850 to 1961? And then we went all the way back to 1789…” Evan fell into step alongside her as she talked cheerfully from the lockers to the classroom, never once stopping to make Evan contribute to the conversation, which was a relief and a nice change, although he knew it couldn’t last. 

 

_Dear Evan Hansen,_  
_Turns out this wasn’t an amazing day after all. This isn’t going to be an amazing week or an amazing year, because why would it be?_  
_I know, because there’s Zoe, and all my hope is pinned on Zoe, who I don’t even know, and doesn’t know me. Maybe if I could just talk to her. Maybe nothing would be different at all. I wish everything was different._  
_I wish I was part of something. I wish that anything I said mattered to anyone. I mean face it, would anyone notice if I just disappeared tomorrow?_  
_Sincerely,_  
_Your most best, and dearest friend, Me_

Once Evan finished the letter, he printed it out. The letter hadn’t done much in the ways of actually making him feel better, but it would make his mom happy, and that was almost as good. He closed out of the program, shutting down the computer, and turned to pick his letter up off the printer, coming face to face with Connor Murphy. “Sh-shit!” He jerked back, tripped, and would have fallen if Connor hadn’t grabbed his good arm.

“Jesus, Hansen, do I scare you that much?” He smirked ruefully. “Damn, I guess that’s another thing I have to apologize for.”

“What?” Evan was taken aback. Apologize? Of all the things he had imagined would come of his encounter, Connor Murphy apologizing to him had not come to mind. 

“Yeah, um.” Connor looked away from him at the ground sheepishly. “I’m sorry for shoving you, I guess. I was just- God, that Kleinman kid really fucking pissed me off, you know- but it wasn’t fair to take it out on you like that so- especially with, you know.” He gestured helplessly at Evan’s cast. 

“Jesus, I can’t believe I pushed a kid with a broken arm into the lockers. How’d you do that, anyway?”

“I, uh. I fell out of a tree?” Connor gave a bark of surprised laughter.

“Dude, what? You fell out a tree? That’s got to be the saddest fucking thing I have ever heard in my entire life.” Evan flushed, and looked away. “Hey, no one’s signed your cast.” 

If it was possible, Evan flushed even darker. “Um, yeah, I guess I didn’t have anybody who would. Um. Want to?” Great. Now even Connor, who Evan didn’t even know, for god’s sake, would know that Evan was a loser with no friends. Not even Jared, Evan’s “family friend” would sign his stupid cast.

“I’ll sign it.” Evan’s head jerked up involuntarily, staring at Connor wide eyed. “Got a pen?” Well. That was a good question. Did he have a pen? Evan honestly didn’t know. He dug around in his pocket, and found: three quarters, a nickel, two pennies, a ball of crumpled up paper, a rubber band, but no pen. Great. He checked his other pocket. An eraser, a piece of gum, a handful of lint, and- oh look, a sharpie. Awesome. How long had that taken? He didn’t want to know, but it couldn’t have been that long, if Connor was still standing there with his hand held out for the pen and- oh right the pen. Blushing, he handed Connor the sharpie and watched in fascination as Connor scrawled his name in capital letters (and really awful handwriting, if he was being honest) that took up the whole cast.

“Yeah,” Connor laughed. “I know. My handwriting is the fucking worst, right? It’s okay, not like anyone at this school actually gives a fuck. But hey, maybe now we can both pretend to have friends. Here,” he picked Evan’s letter up off the printer _oh no oh god don’t read it_ and started to hand it to Evan _please please please don’t read it oh no oh no oh NO_ “I think this is… yours…” he trailed off as Zoe’s name caught his eye, and he scanned the rest of the letter. “This is… what is this? What the fuck is this, Hansen?” He was getting angry now, his hand clenched around the paper so tight it started to crumple. “Are you writing some creepy shit about my sister in here? Why the fuck would you even do that, you don’t even know her… so this must have been for me.”

“What? No!” Evan spluttered, trying, and failing, to keep up with the conversation. “Why would I… How would that even work? I’m not-"

“No, that’s definitely what you were doing,” Connor nodded, really starting to warm up to this new change in the pace of the conversation. “You knew that I would read this. I’m the only other person in the library; who else could this have been for? You knew that I would read it, and that I would freak out, and you wanted to go tell everyone that Connor Murphy really is crazy, that he freaked out on you in the library? Well fuck you! Fuck all of this! I-” He cut himself off abruptly, turned and ran out of the library without another word, taking Evan’s letter with him.

 

“He what? Dude, you are so fucked!” Jared laughed so hard he fell out of his chair. He struggled to maintain a straight face as he turned back towards Evan, then gave up and dissolved back into laughter.

“Jared, it’s not funny!” Evan exclaimed. “He signed my cast, and everything was fine, but then he read my therapy assignment and saw Zoe’s name in it, and-”

“Oh, my god.” Jared’s jaw dropped. “Connor-fucking-Murphy found your weird freaky sex letter to yourself- which by the way, my man, is a whole other conversation in itself- AND you wrote about Zoe. Zoe Murphy. Zoe Murphy- Connor’s SISTER-”

“Yes, I get it!” Evan said hurriedly. “He’s probably read the whole letter by now- stop laughing Jared, it isn’t a sex letter, it’s a therapy assignment, I’ve told you this- but I really need it back, and he wasn’t in English class do you think he went home how do I get it back?” he said all in a rush.

“Yeah, you’re gonna have to write yourself a new sex letter. I’m afraid that one is Connor’s now.” Evan was practically in tears by that point. Jared was, too, but probably for a different reason. “Dude, calm down. Just forget about it, okay? What can you do about it anyway? For that matter, what can he do with it? You didn’t sign it, right? So if anyone finds it, it’ll probably just look like some weird sex letter that he sent to you, and everything’s fine!” 

He burst into peals of laughter again, which Evan did not appreciate, but Jared was right about one thing. There really wasn’t anything he could do about it at this point. Somehow, this didn’t make him feel better.

 

Evan spent the next few days in constant turmoil. He was so much more tense than he normally was, which was saying something. He was a ticking time bomb, waiting for something to explode. Connor hadn’t been to school since that day in the library, and Evan kept expecting to run into him and have everything blow up in his face. _Connor hated him and then Zoe would hate him once she read the letter if she hadn’t already maybe she had and was already laughing at him and then everyone would laugh and everyone would hate him oh god what did he do what could he do what what what what-_

“Evan Hansen?”

“What?” Evan started. He looked around frantically, but Connor was nowhere to be seen. Instead, the principal was staring down at him with concern.

“Would you mind stepping into my office for a minute? I have some… disturbing news.” Evan nodded and walked in.The door swung shut behind him. He turned and looked behind him, but the principal hadn’t followed him in, instead closing the door, leaving Evan alone in his office- but he wasn’t alone. On second glance, he noticed a couple sitting on the couch opposite him, a man and a woman. 

Evan gestured to the door behind him. “Um, what-”

The man stood up. “He stepped out for a minute, so we could talk to you. Evan Hansen, right?” Evan nodded, confused. “We,” the man gestured back at the woman still sitting on the couch. “Well, we didn’t know that Connor, that he, well, that he had anyone to, that he had-”

Evan was shaking. Of course this was about Connor how could it not be about Connor Evan hadn’t done anything else- well had he? And now Evan was worrying about whether or not he’d done anything else wrong in the last couple of days but at least he was just worrying about that and he didn’t have to worry about whether his hands were sweaty which they weren’t unless maybe they were and now he could feel them getting clammy so he clenched them so no one could see and maybe if they couldn’t see then they wouldn’t think he was guilty but what was he guilty of he didn’t know _he didn’t know_

"Connor, ah," the man took a breath. "Well, he took his own life yesterday. We found this folded up in his jacket-"

"His last words," the woman interjected.

"Well, he explains it all right here, 'I wish it could be different, I wish everything was different, I wish I was a part of something-'"

"Stop it, please, just stop," he was cut off.

Evan didn’t understand he couldn’t understand _what was happening this wasn’t happening he didn’t know Connor how could his note be addressed to him he didn’t even know Connor how why he didn’t-_ The lady was holding out the paper to him with trembling hands, and, feeling as though they belonged to someone else, saw his own hands reach out and take the note from her. He looked down and saw the words spinning on the page, and tried to make sense of them all. Slowly, he began to make out the first words on the page. 

_Dear Evan Hansen,  
Turns out this wasn’t an amazing day after all._

It was his therapy assignment. He stared at the paper, uncomprehending. _One beat. Two beats._ Suddenly he understood what was happening. 

“Oh, _fuck_.”


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> In which poor Evan has no idea what he is doing. Jared finds this hilarious.

__

_Dear Evan Hansen,_  
Turns out this wasn’t an amazing day after all.  
It was his therapy assignment. He stared at the paper, uncomprehending. One beat. Two beats. Suddenly he understood what was happening.  
“Oh, fuck.”  


_**Evan** _

Evan immediately clammed up. “Oh, God, I’m so sorry, I just- this is really unexpected, I-I’m not really sure what to- oh God, I’m so so so sorry but Connor didn’t write this this isn’t- he didn’t it’s not his he didn’t write this he didn’t write it I’m sorry I’m sorry he didn’t write it I’m sorry-”

“What do you mean he didn’t write it, it’s right there-” The woman grabbed at him. He backed up hastily, still stammering over and over again, trying to get the words out _why couldn’t he get the words out Goddamnit_

The man- Larry- caught hold of her, pulling her back, supporting her weight as she fought against him, straining to get to Evan. “Cynthia,” she was struggling against him, shaking her head, refusing to understand. “Cynthia, calm down, just calm down the boy is in shock Cynthia, obviously Connor wrote it, but you’re scaring the boy, sit down,”

“But it’s right there, he wrote it, what does he mean Connor didn’t write it _it’s right there_ -”

“Cynthia, please-”

“ _This is all we have left of him, this is all we have left_ -”

Evan thrust out the paper, cowering behind it. “You should take it, please just take it, take it.”

She reached for it, still shaking, and collapsed into the couch, clutching Evan’s letter like a lifeline. Stopped. Looked back up at him. “Larry, look,” she pointed. “His cast, he signed it, Connor signed it.”

Belatedly Evan looked down. Realized what she was looking at. Looked back up at her. “Oh. No-”

“His most best and dearest friend,”

“No, no, please, you don’t understand,”

Evan flushed, and began to stammer out some form of _no, sorry, I never interacted with your son other than the time he shoved me into the lockers, and then again when he stole my therapy assignment, by the way, could I just have that back, please_ when she said in a rush, “It’s some small comfort, at least, to know that he knew in his final moments, that- that he- he wasn’t-” She stopped herself, took a shaky breath, and continued. “That he wasn’t completely alone. I’m glad that he had you.”

Evan freezes in the middle of his stammered denials, and turns his story around so fast he thinks he can feel his metaphorical neck snap. “No! I mean, yes. I mean,” he takes a breath. _Slow down calm down slow slow slow_ “What I mean is, no, he wasn’t alone. I’m glad he had me, and I’m glad I had him, too.”

Cynthia’s face brightens through her tears. “I’m so glad to hear that! That makes it just a little more bearable, at least…” Larry snorts derisively. She shoots him a look, and turns back to Evan. “I’m sorry, I don’t think I properly introduced myself to you, I’m Cynthia, Connor’s mom.” Evan nods. And keeps nodding. He doesn’t know how to stop. At this point, he’s not really sure when he should have stopped, and so the best course of action is probably to just keep nodding until his head falls off his shoulders and rolls him right out of this situation. If he just keeps nodding along, he doesn’t need to keep track of the conversation.

Cynthia asks him something. He thinks. It’s too late to tell, so he just continues to nod. She beams. “Great! I really appreciate your agreeing to do this.” _Crap. What did she even say?_ “Here’s the address.” She hands him a small card with what he assumes to be their address on it. “Is around six okay? We can pick you up if that makes it easier. I’m just so glad to be hearing about, well, about the Connor that you knew. I think it’ll maybe make things better, easier, for all of us.”

Oh, God. They want him to come over for dinner to talk about _Connor_? Well, probably, just Cynthia wants him to, because the man next to her- Larry- is looking just as enthusiastic about this dinner as Evan feels. _Tell her you can’t. This is in no way a good idea. Get out of it get out of it now now now_ “No, it’s no trouble at all. I’ll ask my mom to drive me. Around six, you said? I can make that work.” _Idiot_. Evan starts nodding again, a slightly hysterical jerking of the head that he can’t seem to control. He starts walking toward the door, still nodding frantically. He reaches the door, and tries the handle. It’s unlocked, but it takes him three tries to get the door open. “I’ll see you then!” he cries, waving slightly and _for god’s sake he is still nodding he needs to get ahold of himself now_. He shuts the door, and takes off running. He doesn’t stop until he gets to study hall.

 

“Holy _shit!_ ” Jared is unfairly, Evan feels, amused by this whole situation. “Just when I think you can’t possibly fuck this up any more, you go and pull this shit.” He smirks. “You know, they probably think you were his boyfriend or something. That’s gay as shit.”

“Jared, _you’re_ gay as shit,” Evan responds tiredly. They must have had this conversation at least three times already.

“Well, yes,” Jared admits. “Damn. That was a good one.” He perks back up. “But I’m actually gay as shit, whereas you are just faking it. That’s just as bad. In fact, that’s _worse_.”

“I’m not faking anything!” Evan throws up his hands, exasperated.

“You know, what you’re doing is probably _illegal_. Lying under oath? You’ve basically already perjured yourself, if you really think about it. Unless, of course, you really _were_ messing around with Murphy?” Jared snickers.

“Jared! This isn’t funny. It’s not true, and it’s _definitely not the point of this conversation whatdoIdoaboutdinner?_ They want me to talk about Connor, and I don’t- I can’t- but I don’t actually know anything about him.”

Jared smirks at him. “Don’t look at me. You got yourself into this situation in literally every conceivable way that you look at it.” Evan glares at him until he throws up his hands in a traditional _I surrender_ fashion, laughing. “Okay, dude, okay. Here’s what you do. Agree to everything. Don’t ask questions. Don’t make anything up. Just go along with whatever they say, and try to get the hell out of there as fast as you can. Holy shit, this is hilarious. I’ll even drive you there just because of the sheer comedy of this fucking situation. _Jesus_.” He turns away, still laughing. Evan groans and follows him and the rest of the class as they file out of the building. 

 

Around 5:45, Evan starts to worry. He doesn’t want to be late, and even though Jared said he would drive him, maybe he was kidding. Evan glances at the clock, and resolves to start walking in two minutes if Jared hasn’t shown up. He sighs, not relishing the long walk over to the Murphy’s neighborhood. To his surprise and relief, however, exactly one minute and forty-seven seconds later, he hears tires rolling up the driveway, and the beeping of Jared’s horn. He rushes out, pausing only to write a quick post-it note to his mother, explaining that he is going to Jared’s house for dinner (because there is just no way to explain the truth to her. A post-it note can only hold so much).

He reaches the passenger side of the car, and throws himself in, automatically locking the door after slamming it shut. “Hey, chill out. I get that you’re nervous to have dinner with your dead boyfriend’s parents, but don’t take it out on my car, Jesus.” Even just glares at him as, laughing, Jared pulls out of the driveway. Not a word is spoken between the two throughout the entire drive.

As he pulls up to the Murphy’s house, a thought strikes Evan. He turns to Jared. “Hey, can you- would you- maybe can you pick me up, too? Dinner shouldn’t take more than a couple of hours.”

“Why should I? I already drove you out here, and that was just to get my mom off my case. I’ve filled out my quota of niceness today.” Evan’s heart sinks. “No, seriously, give me a good reason to pick you up, because I can’t think of any.”

“B-because you want to hear how all of this goes once I’m done?” Evan offers. Silence.

“Damn, you’ve got me there.” Jared laughs. “Okay, I’ll pick you up around 7:30, yeah? Not because we’re friends or anything,” he adds hurriedly. “I just can’t wait to hear about this shitfest that you’ve dragged yourself into.”

Evan shrugs, and pushes down the small twinge of hurt that he feels whenever Jared makes a show of trivializing… whatever their relationship was. They weren’t friends, as Jared liked to constantly remind him. Family friends, he called them. Still, Evan held out hope that one day, they could be actual friends again. “Okay, thanks.”

“Whatever,” Jared rolls his eyes. “Now, get out of my car. You can’t have dinner in here, dumbass.” Evan had barely shut the door before Jared pulled out of the driveway. Nice. Now he had to go in. Okay. He could do this.

He walked up to the door and rang the bell. He heard voices, muffled through the door, and then one voice, loud, clear even through the walls, “I’ll get it!” He shifted from one leg to the other, waiting. Then the door was pulled open, and Evan found himself face to face with the most beautiful girl he knew. “Hi, Evan! Come on in, dinner’s going to be ready in like five minutes, tops.” _Zoe…_

 

Why, why, whywhywhy for the love of God did he not piece together that Zoe goddamn Murphy would be there for dinner? Connor was her brother, for God’s sake and yet when Evan had imagined all the ways this dinner could go wrong, it never once occurred to him that Zoe would be there. Which was just as well, since Evan would have just freaked out about it anyway, but now he was feeling all the panic at once, plus surprise, which was never a good combination. He’d be lucky if he could manage to get two words out at dinner. _Actually, Evan, that might be a good thing. That was sort of what you were going for, after all. In and out fast, just agree with everything, don’t ask questions, don’t make anything up, just agree. In and out. Simple. Easy. Oh god I can’t do this I need to leave I can’t do this oh god oh god_

“Evan?” He looked up. All three of the Murphy’s were staring at him expectantly, looking a little concerned.

“Um, what? Sorry.” He blushed. Dinner hadn’t even been going on for ten minutes and he’d already ruined it.

“No worries, honey. I just asked how well you knew Connor?” Cynthia smiled encouragingly at him.

“How well did I know Connor?” She nodded. “Um, pretty well, I guess.” _Okay good keep it vague, no details, don’t make anything up. Just the basics. In and out._ “In fact…” _In and out. In and out. You’re almost there. Just get through this, and then you can leave._ “Connor was my best friend.” _Shit._

Cynthia looked pleasantly surprised, while Zoe and Larry simply looked taken aback. “What?” Zoe blurted out. “Your best friend? How could he be? I saw him push you into the lockers just a few days ago.” _Shit. Shit shit shitshitshitshit._

Cynthia looked concerned. “Um…” _Fix it fix it think of something anything now now now_ “Well, yes, he did. He was having a bad day, and I guess I pushed him too far? He freaked out and ran away, and kind of shoved me. It was no big deal, I’m fine, I’m fine - fine! - I just…” He swallowed. _Say it. Say it. I can’t, this is horrible. This is your way out. Take it!_ “I just wish I would have stopped him. He clearly- clearly wasn’t okay but I just let him go I let him go, you know? The last time I saw him, and I didn’t even go after him. He needed me, and I couldn’t- I couldn’t see it.”

Cynthia was horrified. “No, no, no, you can’t blame yourself. Connor has been having a really hard time lately. It wasn’t just that one incident. There have been many more just like it. You couldn’t possibly have known.” Evan shrugs, unsure of what to say, disgusted with himself for taking advantage of Cynthia’s emotions like this.

“You know what? This is too sad. This isn’t working,” Zoe interjects. “None of this is making us feel better. Let’s talk about something else. _Anything_ else. Um…” She looks around, clearly searching for a topic. Her eyes light on Evan’s cast, with Connor’s messy signature peeking out on the top. “How’d you break your arm, Evan?”

“Oh…” Evan laughs nervously, his eyes skimming around the room. Suddenly, an idea hits him. “Actually, I fell out of a tree.”

“Zoe’s mouth drops open. “No way,” she says, eyes wide.

“Oh, yeah,” Evan assures her. “I was climbing- climbing up the tree, almost at the- right at the top, well, almost, not quite, but you know, at the top, when the branch broke underneath me, and before I knew it I was lying- falling, well first I was falling and then I hit the ground so I was lying there right there on the ground staring at the sky with a broken arm underneath me. I’m just lucky that Connor was- Connor was there, or who knows how long it would have taken for someone- to find me.” He laughs nervously again, and looks at his cast, avoiding everyone’s eyes.

Zoe’s eyes narrow. “My brother was with you? Why?”

Evan flushes. “Well, um, we were hanging out over the summer, and he drove us to this ice cream place kind of far from here-”

“A La Mode?” Zoe interrupts. “We used to go there all the time when we were kids.”

Jared’s voice rings out in his head, unbidden. _Just nod, and confirm._ “Um, yeah, right. That’s it, A La Mode, yep, ice cream, that’s just the place- we went there- to- yeah, that’s it-” And he’s nodding, and nodding, and it’s not working he has to say more what else can he say he needs to _stop talking about the fucking ice cream_ “So we grab a scoop at A La Mode, and then he drives us out to this field, parks the car, jumps out, and just takes off running across the field. I run after him, and then he kind of disappears behind these trees, so I run to catch up and I can’t see him, but then I look up, and he’s sitting in the tree. So he says, ‘follow me,’ and starts climbing higher, and I do, because that’s why we’re there, obviously, to climb the tree. Because, um, I like trees.” He coughs awkwardly, and continues. “So then it’s like a race, and we’re just climbing higher and higher, and we can see over the other trees, and it’s just incredible, and there’s just nowhere either of us would rather be, so we’re just going to stay there forever, for as long as we can anyway, but then the branch underneath me breaks, and I fall, and I’m just staring up at Connor in a daze, and he climbs down to get me, and calls an ambulance, and I think Connor probably saved my life then.

“But, um, you don’t want to hear all this. Sorry, I’m rambling. I tend to do that a lot, sorry-”

“No!” Cynthia cries out. “No, this is exactly what I wanted to hear, about your friendship with my son. It just makes me so happy to know that he had a friend. Thank you,” she sniffs, and now she’s crying, great, he made it worse, except she’s also smiling, so did he make it better, or what? Evan’s confused.

“Come on,” Zoe smiles at him, and before he can stop himself, he’s helplessly smiling back. She pulls him up off the chair and leads him away from the table. “Do you want to see Connor’s room?”

_Connor’s room? You think I want to go sit in a dead guy’s room, talking about this very very very dead person I know nothing about to you, his grieving sister? No, actually, I think I have to go, and stick my head in a blender instead. But thanks for the offer_ is what he does not say. “Yeah, okay,” is what he actually ends up mumbling, staring at the floor, resolutely avoiding eye contact.

 

“So, this was his room,” Zoe sighed, and pushes open the door. She collapses on his bed and turns to Evan, patting the space beside her so he knows it’s okay to sit next to her on this dead boy’s bed. He does so, albeit reluctantly.

“You know,” she looks up at Evan with darkness in her eyes, and leans in as though about to tell a horrible secret. “I don’t miss him. At all. I know this is probably terrible for you to hear, you being his friend and all, and I’m sure he was great with you, but.” She sighs and looks away. “But he was really awful to me, for years. He was always drunk, or high, or both. He was always yelling at me, saying he was going to kill me or that he hated me or something like that. So when we found his body,” Evan gasps involuntarily but she pushes on. “When we found his body, it was almost a relief to me, because this time I knew for sure that he couldn’t hurt me anymore. I knew for sure that he was never coming back, no matter what.”

She looks up at him again. “That’s really awful of me to say, huh?”

“No!” She starts, and he scrambles to find a way to cover it up. “No, it’s not awful. He felt- felt- he also- he was the same- he felt the same way that you do.” She pulls away, looking slightly hurt. “He just felt so. Disconnected? Like- like he loved you, but he never knew how to say it.”

She blinked. “I read his note. He wrote, ‘all my hope is pinned on Zoe.’ What did he mean by that?”

“Um.” _Shit. Why do I keep doing this? It was the only thing Jared said to do. Don’t. Make. Anything. Up._ So, naturally, Evan made more stuff up. “He said there's nothing like your smile- sort of subtle, and perfect, and real.” Zoe looked up. “He said you never knew how wonderful that smile could make someone feel.” And there it was. Her smile truly could light up a room. He didn’t know how Connor felt about it, but Evan thought that Zoe had the most beautiful smile in the world. And then he was struck with an idea.

He proceeded to list everything he loved most about Zoe, under the pretext of it being Connor’s words. “He would always say, ‘If I could tell her how she’s everything to me- but we’re a million miles apart.” _And I don’t know how I would even start- but if I could tell her-_

She looked at him shyly, eagerly, hopefully. “Did he say anything else?”

He froze. “A-about you?”

Her face closed off, and she turned away. “Never mind, I don’t really care-” _Shit, shit, shit you fucked it up you fucked up fix it fix it fix it_

“No, no, no no no he said so many things, I’m just trying to remember the best ones!” She turned back to him hopefully. “He thought you looked really pretty, er- it looked pretty cool when you put indigo streaks in your hair.” _Good job dumbass, way to go there, really._

She beamed. “He did?!” Evan nodded. _Keep going._ And he did. He told her every single reason that he loved her. He soon forgot what he was even doing, forgot that it was supposed to be Connor saying those things. Overcome with emotion, he leaned forward, closer, and closer, until-

“What are you doing?!” Evan froze. Oh God. What was he doing? What had he done? “Get out!” Oh God oh God he tried to kiss her. He was still so close to her, so close, too close. “Get OUT!” Evan fled.

 

“Oh my God, dude, you tried to kiss her on her dead brother’s bed?!” Jared was laughing so hard he’d had to pull the car over because he couldn’t drive straight.

Evan sat still, facing ahead, face burning, eyes trained on the road. “Just drive, please.”


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _A month. Apparently, that’s how long he can keep it going without something causing it all to go to shit. He can’t help it. Sooner or later, he always finds a way to fuck things up. Although, there’s a good chance that this, or at least a good part of it, was out of his control. Evan’s willing to hear a case for that. Unsurprisingly, there’s no one around to make it._
> 
>  
> 
> _Well, there’s Connor. And therein lies the going-to-shit part of the problem. Because Connor isn’t dead._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> See? Connor's fine. Mostly. There are no assurances at this point, other than the fact that Connor is alive. Naturally, Jared thinks this is hilarious.

_“What are you doing?!” Evan froze. Oh God. What was he doing? What had he done? “Get out!” Oh God oh God he tried to kiss her. He was still so close to her, so close, too close. “Get OUT!” Evan fled.  
“Oh my God, dude, you tried to kiss her on her dead brother’s bed?!” Jared was laughing so hard he’d had to pull the car over because he couldn’t drive straight._

_Evan sat still, facing ahead, face burning, eyes trained on the road. “Just drive, please.”_

**_Evan_ **

It had been a week. A week since Connor had killed himself. A week since he had tried to kiss Zoe. (A week since she’d thrown him out of her house.) A week since he’d seen her. 

“Just talk to her, dude.” _Oops._ Had he been speaking out loud? “Yes, dude, oh my God, I can hear everything you’re saying.” He rolled his eyes. “You’re being ridiculous. Just go up to her and say, ‘Oh, Zoe, I’m so totally in love with you. I’m sorry I kissed you on your dead brother’s bed. This doesn’t have to be the end! Let’s go fu-” He broke off laughing as Evan shoved him off his bed. “I’m sorry, I’m sorry. I’m just telling it how I see it. 

“But seriously, dude, go talk to her. The sooner you do that, the sooner you can start hanging out with her instead and I can get you off my case. We’ve been hanging out way too much considering that we’re only family friends.” Evan’s heart sank. He knew that Jared didn’t really mean it, knew that Jared was just putting up walls to protect himself from the fact that he didn’t have any other friends, but it still hurt.

“Yeah, you’re right, Jared. I’ll go talk to her soon.” Whether he would or not was still in debate, but when Jared was like this, what else was there to say?

 

While at school, Evan couldn’t help but notice that people were starting to forget about Connor. Before, where people had at least attempted to be silent and respectful of Connor’s memory, they were once again being cruel and awful to each other. It was like Connor’s impact had an expiration date- and that date was today. Which really sucked. Connor deserved more. Or, well, Evan’s not actually sure that he deserved more but the Connor that he pretended that he knew definitely did and that is the important thing to keep up now, so really, what’s the point in worrying about the real Connor? There isn’t one. 

There is, however, a point in keeping _his_ Connor’s memory alive, so that will have to do until Evan can sort out the inevitable trauma that he will suffer as karma for pretending to be a dead boy’s best (only) friend. It’s cool, he’s fine, no need to worry about it.

Not surprisingly, Evan’s pretty worried about it.

 

“I need your help with something.” Evan looks at the ground, avoiding eye contact but trying to stay firm about it.

“Evan, you know that, as one of your close acquaintances, I will always make time for you. Is it time sensitive, though? Because I kind of have a lot on my plate right now, and if you don’t mind, I’d really like to get started on my college applications, I know it’s just the beginning of the year but it’s never too early to think ahead-”

Evan cuts her off. “It’s about Connor Murphy.” 

There’s a pause.

“Okay, then. I’ll help. What do you need?”

It’s that simple.

 

“I need your help with something.”

“…” Jared groans and pulls an earbud out of his ear, looking up from his phone. “What do you want _now_?” Evan looks at him for a minute, contemplative, silent. He groans again. “Ugh, shit, fine, I’ll do whatever it is. Just give me ten minutes to finish this episode, okay? I need to know what happens, on actual pain of death. Like, if the house is burning down, do not disturb me until it is a maximum of two feet from me.” 

It’s… simple, but unexpected, and Evan’s not sure how long it will last.

 

“…I’ll be honest with you here, I really thought that the emails were going to be the end of this.”

“Nope.”

“Yeah, I’m seeing that now. Obviously, you need my help, because I am amazing and my genius in this matter is uncredited and unparalleled.”

“…Okay.”

“Right! I’m going to take that frankly offensively noncommittal response for the unconditional agreement and show of support that it is.”

“Okay.”

“Jesus, dude, give me something here.” Jared looks wounded. “Here I am, putting my neck out on the line for you. I’m staking my reputation on this. The least you could do is admit how much this means to you.”

“Jared, thank you so much for doing this with me,” Evan deadpans. “Really. I don’t know what I would have done without you. Everything good that has ever happened to me in my life pales in comparison with this moment, because you are here. Thank y-” He breaks off, but it doesn’t matter because Jared is laughing too hard to hear what he was saying after the first few words anyway.

“Ah, man, you wound me,” he manages, after he catches his breath. “And I’ll let it slide, because I’m such a good family friend.”

Evan shrugs, ignoring the small twinge of hurt that runs through him. He’s been through this enough times to know that it was coming. It never helps to address it. Instead, he turns to Alana. “So, are you ready?”

She nods. “This is such a great idea, Evan! It’s so cool that you thought to do this for your friend. I’m proud to call us acquaintances.” Evan nods politely, resignedly thinking, _Oh god, there’s two of them._  
It’s called the Connor Project. It’s an organization founded in the hopes that, in keeping Connor’s memory alive, they will be able to help those like him. Given the fact that Evan never even knew Connor in the first place, he’s questioning why he wants to do this, just a little. For the time being, he pushes the doubts aside and prepares to launch the project.

 

“I saw what you guys did for Connor. I can’t believe that you and he have made such an impact on people. This is a beautiful thing that you’ve done, Evan, for me, and my family, and for people all over who feel the way that Connor did. Thank you.” Zoe hesitates, then leans in and kisses him. Evan leans into it, closing his eyes, and privately wonders if this is why he wanted this to be a success so badly. He then wonders if these thoughts make him a bad person.

Probably, if he has to ask, they do.

For the time being, he’s going to see where it goes anyway.

For the first time in a long time, he feels wanted, needed, loved. And he wants to keep it that way for as long as he possibly can.

Consequences be damned.

 

A month. Apparently, that’s how long he can keep it going without something causing it all to go to shit. He can’t help it. Sooner or later, he always finds a way to fuck things up. Although, there’s a good chance that this, or at least a good part of it, was out of his control. Evan’s willing to hear a case for that. Unsurprisingly, there’s no one around to make it.

Well, there’s Connor. And therein lies the going-to-shit part of the problem. Because Connor isn’t dead.


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _“So, what did you need to tell me, then?” Damnit._
> 
>  
> 
>  
> 
> _“Um, well,” Evan stuttered, “I was going to tell you something that- well, it’s not really important- I mean, it is, but- I- I don’t-”_
> 
>  
> 
> _“Evan,” Connor broke in. “Just tell me, please. You’re freaking me out here.”_
> 
>  
> 
> _Evan nodded. He took a shaky breath, and told him. Everything._

_A month. Apparently, that’s how long he can keep it going without something causing it all to go to shit. He can’t help it. Sooner or later, he always finds a way to fuck things up. Although, there’s a good chance that this, or at least a good part of it, was out of his control. Evan’s willing to hear a case for that. Unsurprisingly, there’s no one around to make it._

_Well, there’s Connor. And therein lies the going-to-shit part of the problem. Because Connor isn’t dead._

 

**Earlier that day**

**_Evan_ **

“What the hell do you mean he isn’t dead? You said he was dead. I thought he was dead…” Zoe paced around the room frantically, waving her arms around frantically. 

Cynthia reached out for her daughter. “Zoe, sweetie…” 

Zoe slapped her hands away. “No. No! You don’t get to do that. You don’t get to tell me that my _dead brother_ isn’t dead, you don’t get to tell me that he’s still alive, and you don’t get to ‘Zoe, sweetie’ me after you do that and _stop touching me get away from me get away!_ ” She sprang out of her mother’s reach, and put Evan between her and her mother. 

Evan’s head was spinning. _Connor was alive?_ This was bad this was terrible _this would ruin everything he had ruined everything._ Everyone was going to find out that _he lied he lied he lied he lied to Zoe he lied to Cynthia he lied to Larry he lied to everyone he lied, he lied, he lied lied lied lied-_

Everyone was looking at Evan expectantly. “Um, sorry,” Evan managed to croak. “What?” 

“Tell them, Evan.” Zoe was crying, and she looked furious. “Tell them that they don’t get to do this, tell them that it isn’t fair, they can’t expect this from me, from you, from _us_ , they should have told us, tell them, you have to tell them-” 

Cynthia was also crying. “Evan, you understand, don’t you? You understand why we didn’t want to say anything, he was in a coma, he was unresponsive, we had to make a decision, but he’s waking up now, he’s going to wake up, tell her, help her understand-” 

Larry broke in. “Why the hell is this such a big deal, anyway? You should all be happy for him. He’s alive, isn’t he? What’s the problem?” 

Zoe fumed. “You don’t get to make that decision! You told me he was dead, and I mourned the brother I lost-” 

“Oh, don’t try to kid anyone,” Larry cut in. “You didn’t mourn. You never mourned! None of us did. That’s the ugly truth, isn’t it? He was a fucked up kid, and it would have made it easier on everyone if he had done it right the first time, but he didn’t, and we’re just going to have to live with that until he snaps and offs himself again-” 

“Don’t say that _don’t say that!_ ” Cynthia was in hysterics. “How can you say something like that, he is your son, and we have been blessed, he’s alive, and we can help him now, we can help him! We can make it right.” 

“Well, he’s already screwed that up, hasn’t he? _My son_ didn’t want my help, did he? That has been made abundantly clear. He didn’t want me in his life, and maybe now I don’t want him in mine. God, how did he manage to mess this up so badly? There wasn’t a single person left on this goddamn Earth that wanted him-” 

“ _There was Evan!_ How dare you stand there and say that in front of _his best friend?_ How can you be this cruel towards our own son in front of him? Evan, honey-” Cynthia turned towards him pleadingly. “Please don’t think any less of us- Connor needs you- we have already proven that we don’t know our son as well as we thought. But you do- you’re his best friend, he needs you.” 

_Oh shit oh fuck for god’s sakes what have I done what have I done I fucked up I fucked up_ “I-” Evan started backing up, his hands out in front of him placatingly. “I-I- I have to go I’m so sorry _I’msosorry sorry, sorry-_ ” With that, he turned and ran. 

******_Connor_**** **

Connor cracked one eye open. Jesus, his head hurt. What was happening? The room was spinning, he couldn’t focus on anything what was going on- 

“Connor?” A woman’s voice rang out. _Shit. I know her, who is that I know her I know her who is that_ “Oh, my god, Larry, he’s waking up, get the nurse, quickly, quickly, Connor, sweetie, can you hear me? Everything’s going to be okay. I’m here. I’m here now.” 

Connor frowned as he tried to place the voice. He knew her, knew that he knew her, but his head hurt and the room was spinning and everything was blurry, and everything _hurt, Jesus, this is too much_ and he gratefully sank back into oblivion. 

The next week passed by in a blur. Connor forced himself into a schedule. He woke up, ate, and fell back asleep. People came to visit him. Zoe. Cynthia. Larry. He knew these names, knew these people. Each one had a label that he was slowly beginning to understand, more and more each day. Sister. Mother. Father. 

The next time his mother came in through the room, she was accompanied by the nurse, deeply engrossed in a conversation that Connor could have followed if he tried, but he was so tired. He wanted to stay awake for the end of the conversation so he could talk to his mother for more than a few seconds. He wanted to tell her that he was ready to leave. He could do it. He had to be calm and rational. He could prove to her, and everyone else, that he was ready to be discharged. He was responsible. He was ready. He just had to convince her. 

When he actually opens his mouth to say these things, he immediately starts coughing. His mother and the nurse turn to him simultaneously, their conversation coming to a halt as they look at him in concern. _Okay. I can do this. Calm. Reasonable. I’ve got this._ But already, he can feel himself falling asleep as he manages to get out, “Fuck this. I wanna go home.” _Well,_ he thinks to himself, as the room begins to darken. _That probably could have gone better. Shit._

When he opens his eyes again, he’s in his room. _Huh. Guess that worked._ He sits up, pushing past the blinding headache that comes with consciousness. He groans, putting his head in his hands. _How long is this gonna last?_

Even as he starts to swing his legs over his bed in an attempt to get up, his mother walks through the open doorway, holding a glass of water with a concerned expression. “Connor, honey?” She holds out the water tentatively. “How are you feeling?” 

“How the fuck am I supposed to be feeling?” Connor grumbles, accepting the water. 

Cynthia looks at him apprehensively. “Do… do you remember anything, Connor? Do you know why you feel this way?” He blinks at her. Twice. “You were in the hospital, sweetie. Do you remember why?” 

_Fuck._ Everything seemed to fly back at once, overloading his already pounding head. “Did I, um.” How does one tactfully ask one’s mother if he tried to kill himself? “You know.” He makes a throat slitting motion. Cynthia blanches. She nods, tentatively. Great. “Okay then.” He stands up, only stumbling a little, which he’s weirdly proud of. “I’m going out.” 

Naturally (in fact, he’s surprised this didn’t happen sooner), Cynthia rushes to stop him. “What? Connor, honey, you have to stay in bed. You can’t go anywhere yet! Please, at least stay in the house so I can make sure that-” She freezes. 

Connor flares up immediately. “What? So you can make sure that I won’t try to kill myself again? Why the fuck shouldn’t I? It’s not like anyone cared the first time around! You should have let me die; it’s not my fault that you didn’t.” He stormed out of the room, down the stairs, and started grabbing his stuff angrily. 

Zoe rushed down the stairs, with Cynthia right behind her. “Connor, what the fuck do you think you’re doing? You can’t go anywhere, what the hell, you just got out of the fucking hospital-” 

Cynthia broke in. “Connor, please, please, listen to me. You can’t leave, you can’t you have to stay, please, just stay-” 

The three of them dissolved into hysterics, all of them screaming something without knowing what they were saying or who they were saying it to. This could have gone on for who knew how long, but the sound of the doorbell stopped them all in their tracks. Connor froze six inches away from the door where he’d been on the verge of storming out. “Who the fuck is that?” 

Zoe had relaxed visibly the moment she had heard the bell. “It’s Evan.” Seeing his look of confusion, she added, “When I heard you yelling at Mom, I texted him and asked him to come over. I figured he could help calm you down if we couldn’t.” 

Upon hearing this, Cynthia relaxed too. In fact, everyone seemed to be more relaxed except Connor. “Why the fuck would he be able to calm me down if-” 

“Um, sorry,” Evan’s voice sounded high and terrified, even muffled through the door. “Zoe texted me, and I wasn’t sure what you wanted me to do, so I rang the doorbell, sorry if that wasn’t-” 

Zoe shrieked at the realization that she had left Evan standing at the door and threw the door open to reveal Evan, hunched over slightly, like he thought he was going to get hit, staring warily at all three of the Murphy’s. 

Cynthia looked relieved. “Oh, thank God. Evan, please stay with him? He wants to leave and I don’t know how to get him to stay in the house so-” 

“Oh, for fuck’s sake.” Connor grabbed Evan by the arm and dragged the terrified looking boy out to a car that he assumed was Evan’s. “This yours?” He jerked his head at the car. 

Evan nodded shakily. “Well, um, it’s actually my mom’s, I don’t have a car, although I have a license, so I was okay to drive here, and I guess we share the car, but technically it’s not my car, I don’t have a car that’s like, actually mine, so-” 

Connor rolled his eyes and threw himself into the passenger side of the car. “Alright then, let’s go. I can’t stay here, and apparently, you’re my babysitter for the day. So drive.” 

******_Evan_ ** ** **

What the fuck. What the actual fuck. What in the fucking hell- “Evan?” _Shit._

“Um, yeah? I- I’m here.” 

Connor rolled his eyes. “I know you’re here, dumbass. The problem is that I want to be _there-_ as in over there, as in in your car, as in literally fucking anywhere except my parents’ house. So can you help me, or am I going to have to walk all the way to wherever it is I’m going?” 

“No! I can drive you. Um, where is it that you are going, exactly?” 

Connor shrugged. “Fuck if I know. I just want to get out.” 

“Oh, um, okay, that’s fine too,” Evan mumbled as he rushed into his car. He started the car. It sputtered out. “Um…” He flushed red, and tried again. And again. His hands shook. The next time around, he couldn’t fit the key into the ignition. 

“Hey…” Connor reached out and grabbed his hands. Evan stared at him until Connor's face went red and he snatched his hands back quickly. “Just… calm down, okay? I’m not in any rush. And I definitely don’t need you getting us into a car crash, because then my parents will never let me out again. Just take a minute, and drive when you’re ready, okay?” 

Why was Connor being so nice to him? Especially if he knew how Evan had faked their friendship to get closer to Zoe- _Oh, God._ Connor didn’t know. That explained a lot. That explained- pretty much everything, really. This was why Zoe and Cynthia looked so happy to see him- Connor hadn’t told them because _Connor hadn’t realized-_ and Evan had completely lost every trace of his ability to handle this, he was completely in over his head here. “Um, there’s something that I should probably tell you-” 

“Can you talk while driving?” Connor interrupted. Evan nodded. “Okay, then do that. Not to freak you out more but my mom is watching us through the window and I think she’s probably going to come out in a minute- yep. She just left the window.” Connor’s voice increased in intensity. “Evan, if you can drive, I need you to drive. I don’t know why, but for some reason you are my only way out of this hellhole. So _please_. Just. Start. Driving.” 

Evan started driving. 

Evan had lost track of where they were about ten minutes ago. He was just driving, because the longer he did that, the longer they would stay away from the Murphy’s house, and the longer he could pretend that his life wasn’t falling apart at the seams- “So, what did you need to tell me, then?” Damnit. 

“Um, well,” Evan stuttered, “I was going to tell you something that- well, it’s not really important- I mean, it is, but- I- I don’t-” 

“Evan,” Connor broke in. “Just tell me, please. You’re freaking me out here.” 

Evan nodded. He took a shaky breath, and told him. Everything. 


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _Evan crashed into someone, hard, and would have fallen, if the person hadn’t grabbed him to keep him upright. “I’m so sorry-”_  
>  “Jesus, watch where you’re going- oh. Hansen.” Connor gave him a slightly wary grin. “How’s it go-”  
> “You can’t kill yourself!” Evan burst out, gasping for breath.  
> Connor’s smile melted off his face. “What?”  
> Evan cringed back slightly, but nevertheless continued on. “This… thing we have worked out between us. I won’t do it.”  
> “What? Wait, Hansen, what’s happening-”  
> “I won’t pretend to be your friend just so you can use me as a cover to try to k-kill yourself again, okay, I won’t do it, I didn’t want to be a part of it the first time, and I don’t want to do it this time-”  
> “Okay.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> WOW so I have had severe writer's block for like a month, I came back to this to read what I had already written and it turns out I already had 90% of this chapter written. Whoops.

_“So, what did you need to tell me, then?” Damnit._

_“Um, well,” Evan stuttered, “I was going to tell you something that- well, it’s not really important- I mean, it is, but- I- I don’t-”_

_“Evan,” Connor broke in. “Just tell me, please. You’re freaking me out here.”_

_Evan nodded. He took a shaky breath, and told him. Everything._

**  
_Evan_  
**

“…Shit,” Connor breathed when he had finished. “That’s probably the most fucked up thing I’ve heard in a long time- possibly the most fucked up thing ever. And that’s impressive, coming from me.” 

“Okay, I know how bad this sounds, honestly, but there really is a simple explanation for all of this, I swear!” Connor waited. “…O-okay, I’ve got nothing. N-never mind.”

Connor laughed. “Yeah, that’s what I thought. What I can’t get around is why. Like, why would you willingly interact with my family? Okay, I guess Cynthia is nice enough, as moms go, but then there’s Larry- Fucking Larry, do I even need to- never mind- and then Zoe’s a complete bitch, so…” He trailed off, thinking. “Zoe. Oh, my god, that letter. You’re totally in love with Zoe, aren’t you? And you used my suicide attempt to get close to her? What the fuck, Hansen?”

Evan gulped. “Not, like, on purpose, I didn’t use your- um, you know- on purpose, they just found my letter and they thought I wrote it, and I didn’t mean to take it this far, but your mom was just so sad but she seemed happier that you had a friend- not that you don’t have friends! I just-”

“Jesus, Hansen, chill. I just need a minute to process this shit. Like, what the fuck were you thinking, honestly? No, wait- don’t tell me, I don’t need to hear all of your sick fantasies about my sister, thanks.” Evan spluttered. 

“I-it wasn’t like that, I swear! I just, I just, I don’t know, it was nice, I guess, to feel like someone wanted me around- not that they do! But, I-I-I-” He began to hyperventilate.

“Shit. Okay, Hansen. I need you to breathe with me, okay? Pull over if you need to. Just breathe with me,” he did a couple of deep breaths to demonstrate.

Evan tried to breathe, but it was getting harder and harder to focus. With the last of his concentration, he managed to pull over to the side of the road. He put his head in his hands and waited for the panic to subside.

When he was finally able to lift his head up, he saw Connor on the other side of the car, listening to his music. He didn’t know how long it had been, but he thought Connor looked bored. “S-sorry,” he mumbled.

“Why are you sorry?” Connor glared. “You didn’t do anything, well, except for almost killing us with your driving, and using my suicide attempt to further your relationship with my sister- which is gross, by the way- and-” he looked sheepishly over at Evan. “I’ve lost sight of what I was doing there.”

Evan laughed weakly. Shakily, he restarted the car, and began driving again. “Where are we going, again? I know,” he cut Connor’s attempt to speak off, “you don’t care, but I-I would really feel a lot better if we had somewhere for me to drive to, because I don’t want to waste gas just driving around pointlessly- not that this is pointless! I don’t mind driving, really, I’m so sorry, I’ll just stop talking-”

“Actually,” Connor cut in smoothly, “I was going to ask if you wanted to get some ice cream.” He gestured to the Baskin Robbins that was visible even from a few streets away.

“Oh,” Evan breathed out a sigh. “Yeah, i-ice cream is fine, it’s great.” Without (much) difficulty, he turned into the parking lot.

 

“So,” Connor gestured with his spoon, “tell me about what I’ve missed. I shove you in the hall, apologize, find your creepy letter about my sister- don’t deny it, the letter was both about my sister and creepy- and then pop some pills and it’s all over for me.” He ignored Evan’s blanch. “Except it wasn’t. And now we’re here. And you’re with my family like some kind of prodigal son, dating my sister- are you dating my sister?” Evan nodded, blushing furiously. “Wonderful. So tell me, how’d that happen?”

_Great. Perfect. Lovely. This is exactly the kind of thing you want to get yourself into, Evan. Only you could be put into this situation._ Evan mentally berated himself. This was not helping. “Um, I don’t really know how it happened- it wasn’t supposed to go this far. I was avoiding you at first, because I didn’t know what you were going to do with my therapy letter, Jared said- it doesn’t really matter what Jared said actually, forget that- and by the time I realized you weren’t there, they’d called me into the office to tell me that you had, um, died.”

Connor frowned in confusion. “Why would they bother telling you if I died? It’s not like that would’ve mattered to you-” his eyes widened. “Oh god. They found your letter, didn’t they. Fuck.” He groaned, collapsing against his seat.

Evan nodded. “Right, and I was going to tell them that it wasn’t your s-suicide note, but your mom was so upset, and she seemed to be happier that you had a friend, so I couldn’t just tell her that we, um, weren’t. So she invited me to dinner with your family, so we could talk about how I knew you,”

Connor cut him off. “Oh my god. That’s so fucking creepy. ‘Yes, please come over so we can talk about our dead son with a stranger.’ That doesn’t sound awkward at all.”

“L-look. I didn’t have much choice, okay? I already was in too deep, and that was even before the emails and the Connor Project and Zoe-” Evan stopped to take a breath, and froze at the murderous look on Connor’s face.

“You know what? I would love to ask, but I don’t even know which part of that sentence upset me more. Let’s start with the emails. First the emails, then the… Connor Project, and then…” he groaned again. “Then you can tell me about Zoe. But please, please, please leave out the details of you having sex with my sister, okay, I think I can live the rest of my painfully short life without hearing about it.”

Evan sputtered for a minute, then gave up and took a deep breath. “The emails are not that bad, actually. Just a way of proving that we knew each other and talked outside of school.” 

“But we didn’t talk outside of school. We didn’t even talk in school-” 

“I know! Um, s-sorry. Anyway, Jared and I set up a fake email for you, wrote a bunch of emails back and forth, and backlogged them to show that we had been talking for a while. The Connor Project is a foundation that I set up with Alana and Jared to provide help to people feeling alone and depressed. It’s just a way for people to connect with people who can help them and understand what they’re going through.”

Connor blinked. “That’s… actually pretty impressive. But did you have to include my name in it? Ugh.”

“I-in my defense,” Evan stuttered, “It’s not like you were around for me to check with. I thought you were dead, and the whole point of the website was to prevent what happened with you happening to anyone else.” Connor shrugged listlessly. “A-and, a-about Zoe-”

Connor held his hand out. “That’s enough to go on for a while.” He nodded his head in thought, considering. “Okay. I’m in.”

“What?” Evan stared at him in disbelief.

“Believe it or not, you have given me the easiest out ever. My parents think I have a friend. My sister has a boyfriend. Both are the same person. You have no idea how much you’re going to help get my parents off my case here.” Evan looked dubious. “Look, you’re my only shot for freedom here, so, like it or not, we’re best friends now. Besides,” he grinned maliciously. “You don’t want to ruin what you have with my sister, right? I won’t say anything, as long as you go along with this.” 

 

_“He’s not dead?!”_

“Look, Jared, i-if you think about it, i-it’s not so bad,” Evan stuttered. Jared gave him a scathing look, and he flinched. “Okay, it is bad, considering our plan, but he’s not dead, which is good, although technically it might be bad for it, but he said he’s not going to say anything-”

“Wait wait wait,” Jared held up his hands to ward off Evan’s stutters. “Connor is alive?” Evan nodded. “And he knows about our whole scam?” He nodded again. “And he’s not going to say anything? Connor could ruin you with this information. If it were me, I totally would.”

Evan looked pained. “H-he says that if I pretend to be his friend, his parents won’t be on his case so much, so he can get out of the house more.”

Jared laughed derisively. “Please. Do you know what you’re doing? You’re just lying to his parents even more, to throw them off so they won’t be so suspicious when he goes to kill himself again.” Evan looked aghast. Jared looked at him, contrite, and started backpedaling. “I mean, um, I’m sure he’s not going to kill himself. Just a joke, Jesus, Hansen. Chill.”

Evan’s look of horror in no way subsided. He took a few deep breaths to calm himself down. They did nothing to help him. Still gasping for air, Evan shook his head, and turned and ran.

 

As he ran as fast as he could away from Jared, Evan crashed into someone, hard, and would have fallen, if the person hadn’t grabbed him to keep him upright. “I’m so sorry-”

“Jesus, watch where you’re going- oh. Hansen.” Connor gave him a slightly wary grin. “How’s it go-”

“You can’t kill yourself!” Evan burst out, gasping for breath.

Connor’s smile melted off his face. “What?”

Evan cringed back slightly, but nevertheless continued on. “This… thing we have worked out between us. I won’t do it.”

“What? Wait, Hansen, what’s happening-”

“I won’t pretend to be your friend just so you can use me as a cover to try to k-kill yourself again, okay, I won’t do it, I didn’t want to be a part of it the first time, and I don’t want to do it this time-”

“Okay.”

“Okay?” Evan looked at him, confused.

“Okay. I can’t promise that I won’t want to go back on this,” He held up one finger to hold off Evan’s furious and panicked look that he was giving Connor. “But, I suppose it isn’t fair to rope you into this, again, even though technically, the first one was unintentional. So, knowing myself, the only promise I can make is this: I will not use you as a cover to hide from my family until I kill myself.” Evan relaxed minutely. Connor smirked. “I’m only using you as a cover so my parents don’t know I’m getting high.”

Evan sputtered. “W-what? C-Connor!” Connor laughed. It was a surprisingly care-free sound.

Connor’s laughs died down, and he began to look serious. “So, how are we pulling this off? Obviously, we need to double check our facts with each other so we don’t mess up. To be honest, my mother is so happy to think I have a friend that I don’t think she’ll care either way, but Zoe and Larry will definitely be a little suspicious.”

Evan was confused. “B-but they were fine before, I don’t see why it would be a problem now,”  
Connor rolled his eyes and leaned forward. “Yeah, but that was when they thought I was dead. It’s easy to believe nice things about someone when they’re not around, constantly fucking it up. Now that I’m not dead anymore, it’ll be way harder to convince them that I actually had a friend, much less someone as… innocent as you.”

Evan frowned. “Y-you’re not that bad… and what do you mean innocent?”

Connor smirked, “Wow, that’s really sweet, Hansen, I’m swooning.” Evan flushed red. “And that is exactly what I mean by innocent. One small comment like that and you’re as red as a tomato. You have barely been able to look me in the eye for this entire conversation. That’s step one- to get anyone to believe that we were friends, you can’t look so scared of me all the time.”

“Sorry.” Evan looked at him briefly, and turned his gaze quickly back to the ground.

“Don’t be sorry. I’m kind of an asshole. I’m not going to hurt you, though, and for this to work I’m kind of going to need you to chill. Like, a _lot_.” Evan nodded. “Let’s start small. Are you free after school today? I can drive you home, but maybe you can come by my house for like an hour so we can catch up on our supposed great friendship. My mom will be happy, my dad might get off my case, you might see my sister,” he made a face. Clearly, Connor was not very experienced in the art of persuasion. Still…

“Y-yeah, I can do that. Where should I meet you?”

Connor grimaced, then quickly plastered on a smile instead. “Great! I, uh, just remembered that I don’t drive.” He saw Evan’s confused look, smiled ruefully, and continued. “I mean, I can drive, but my parents took my car. Zoe drove me to school today.” He looked at Evan challengingly. “Obviously, it won’t be a problem, since you’re dating my sister, and all, right?”

Evan swallowed hard. Alone in a car with both of the Murphy siblings? He was going to have to keep up the lie with so many people, and he didn’t even know what the lie was at this point. _ohgodicantdothisicantdothis theyregoingtohateme zoesgoingtohateme theyregoingtofindout icantdothisicanticantICANTICANT_

He shook himself out of it, and took a breath. “No, of course it’s not a problem. I’ll see you at three.”


	6. Chapter 6

_Clearly, Connor was not very experienced in the art of persuasion. Still…_

_“Y-yeah, I can do that. Where should I meet you?”_

_Connor grimaced, then quickly plastered on a smile instead. “Great! I, uh, just remembered that I don’t drive.” He saw Evan’s confused look, smiled ruefully, and continued. “I mean, I can drive, but my parents took my car. Zoe drove me to school today.” He looked at Evan challengingly. “Obviously, it won’t be a problem, since you’re dating my sister, and all, right?”_

_Evan swallowed hard. Alone in a car with both of the Murphy siblings? He was going to have to keep up the lie with so many people, and he didn’t even know what the lie was at this point. OhGodicantdothisicantdothis theyregoingtohateme zoesgoingtohateme theyregoingtofindout icantdothisicanticantICANTICANT_

_He shook himself out of it, and took a breath. “No, of course it’s not a problem. I’ll see you at three.”_

 

**  
**_Connor_  
  
Connor was struggling to pay attention to the lesson, but it was difficult. Even though he had stationed himself in the back corner where no one would see him, Connor felt eyes on him at all times. One girl turned around for the third time in as many minutes, straining to catch a glimpse of him, whispering to her friend. Connor glared at her. She squeaked, and whipped back around. Two minutes later, her friend slyly (she thought) looked over at him. Connor slouched deeper in his seat.

_How much longer left in this goddamn class?_ He surreptitiously checked the clock. Ten minutes… since class had started. He groaned.

“Is something wrong, Mr. Murphy?” The teacher, Ms. Something-Whatsherface, looked over at him sternly. Connor flushed, and sank deeper into his seat, shaking his head. The class tittered. “Try to pay more attention next time, then.” A ripple of laughter swept through the class.

None of this would have happened if Connor had just _skipped class in the fucking first place like he had wanted to._ He had only stayed because… well, honestly, Connor wasn’t sure exactly why he had stayed, only that there was a nagging feeling inside of him that morning that he should at least try to go to the rest of his classes. 

He checked the clock again. Forty-eight minutes to go. Connor smacked his head into his desk. 

“Mr. Murphy, if you please!”

 

By the end of the day, Connor was ready to call it quits. Anything had to be better than this. If one more person gave him a knowing look, or whispered about him in the halls… he wasn’t sure what he’d do.

As he walked out to Zoe’s car, he saw Evan leaned up against the car door, talking to Zoe. He looked… happy. Carefree. Much less nervous than he ever had when he was talking to Connor. He said something to Zoe, who threw her head back and laughed. Evan joined her, almost doubled over. His gaze shifted over to Connor, stopped about twenty feet away from the car, watching them. He waved sarcastically at Evan, who stopped laughing, froze, and promptly fell over.

Zoe pulled her boyfriend up off the ground, who now looked like the Evan that Connor was more familiar with, anxious and stuttering, probably trying to choke out a few more apologies.

As he approached, he could hear Evan stammering, “S-sorry, sorry Zoe, I didn’t mean to get dust on you, that’ll probably come out, not that it’s noticeable! Sorry-” Connor was unsurprised to discover that hey, he was right.

“Come on, let’s get a move on,” he mumbled, pushing past them and throwing himself into the passenger seat. He sees Zoe exchange a look with Evan, before getting into the driver’s seat.

 

“And here we are,” Zoe gestured dramatically. “Home sweet home. Are you sure you don’t need anything, Evan? We could all hang out together.” She shoots a furtive look at Connor that he can’t quite read.

Connor bristles. “It’s not like I’m going to kill him, Jesus.”

Zoe glares at him. “That’s not what I meant and you know it. It’s just that I don’t want _my boyfriend_ to feel uncomfortable at my house-”

“It’s okay, really,” Evan interrupts. “Connor and I were going to catch up in his room for a while. I’ll see you later,” he shoots a hesitant look at Connor, and quickly kisses Zoe on the cheek, blushing.

This is about as painless as the PDA could possibly be, but Connor still feels the need to choke and gag all the way up the stairs, just to make him feel bad a little. Evan apologizes again. 

 

“…So.”

“So…” Evan looked at him, confused.

“So, tell me about the emails. What do I need to know? Details you talked about, things I, as your formerly dead fake best friend should know,” he ended sarcastically. “Since we’re not actually friends, and had little to no interaction, I’m going to assume that all of it was made up, so I’ll have to memorize some stuff, but.”

“Well, I told them that we mostly emailed, because you didn’t want people at school to know that we were friends.”

Connor rolled his eyes. “Way to make me look like a real asshole, Hansen.”

Evan looked guilty. “S-sorry.”

“Don’t be,” Connor reassured him. “I am a real asshole. It probably added to the realism of the situation anyway.” He smirked.

Evan gave a surprised laugh, then stopped himself, looking worried. Connor smiled at him encouragingly, if a bit sarcastically, and Evan smiled back. “Um, I also told them about the day I broke my arm.”

Connor looked confused. “Why? What would that have to do with me?”

Evan flushed. He looked down. “W-well, I may have added some stuff to it. I- um, I told them that you were there, and that you called an ambulance for me. I said that we were down at the orchard that you and Zoe used to go to, right by that ice cream place.”

Connor blinked. “That… was actually pretty smart. I’ve actually been there before, so it probably boosted your credibility a little.” A thought occurred to him. “But, wait, I wasn’t there, and I didn’t call an ambulance.”

“W-well, duh.”

Connor laughed. “Okay, that did sound pretty obvious. But I meant-”

“I told them that you drove to my house and got me a change of clothes when I got out of the hospital, and that’s why they didn’t write your name down or anything.”

“Okay, that sounds… vaguely believable. Provisional pass, because you were thinking on the spot.” He smirked, then the smile fell off his face. “But I meant, what actually happened? I’m assuming you didn’t have anyone else there with you, knowing you. So, what’s the real story on how you broke your arm?”

Evan went pale. He looked away frantically, searching for a way out of the conversation, it seemed. Connor leaned forward, intrigued now. “Come on, tell me. How’d you get to the hospital?”

Immediately, Evan relaxed. The tension literally drained out of him. He looked back up at Connor. “I walked.”

“What?” He stared at Evan. “The hospital is on the other side of town. How did you get all the way there from the orchard with a broken arm?” 

Evan gave a forced laugh. “Well, for a while, I just kept laying there, thinking, a-any second now, someone’s going to come and get me. Someone’s going to come for me. I just kept waiting there for s-someone, anyone. And, well, no one came.” Connor blinked. Evan pressed on. “S-so, anyway, eventually, the pain was low enough that I could handle it, and I got up and walked to the hospital.”

“Couldn’t you have called your mom, or your dad, or a friend or something?” 

Even before he had finished talking, Evan was shaking his head. “N-no, my mom works at the hospital.”

“So?”

“S-so, I wouldn’t want her to drive all the way out to get me, then turn around and go back to where she was. It took me a while, but I got there myself, without having to bother her. Jared…” His face clouded. Then he brightened. “Jared was at camp! So he couldn’t have come to get me, anyway.”

“Anyway? Would he have come to get you if he hadn’t been at camp?” Evan looked down again.

“Um, no, probably not. It’s okay, really, though, because I got there myself.” He seemed really fixated on this one point.

Connor remembered something. “Well, what about your dad? Don’t tell me that there wasn’t one person that you could call.”

Now Evan’s gaze was cold and hard for the first time, instead of flustered and embarrassed. “H-he wouldn’t have picked up.”

Connor had the vague impression that he had hit a nerve, but he still pressed on, curious despite himself. “Your own dad wouldn’t have picked up the phone when his son called him? If my dad had a son like you, he’s probably be the one calling you. Hell, he’d probably have driven you to the orchard in the first place!” He glared at Evan.

Surprisingly, Evan glared back. “Well, it wouldn’t have mattered. Even if he had picked up. He wouldn’t have been able to do anything about it from Colorado.” Too late, Connor realized what that meant. He tried to speak, and cover up his mistake, but he couldn’t say anything. “He left when I was seven.” Evan’s eyes seemed to be made of stone.

“Fuck.” Connor ran a hand through his hair. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to make you tell me that. It’s none of my business.”

Evan gave him a rueful smile. “Well, it kind of is now.” 

Connor shrugged, realizing with a sinking feeling that he was right. How would it have looked if he, Evan’s supposed best friend, had failed to have even known the basic details about Evan? For the first time, Connor realized how hard they were going to have to work, if they were going to pull it off.

He coughed. “So, um, is there anything else I should know? Just for starters, just basic stuff,” he added hurriedly, as Evan looked at him warily. “Like, what’s your favorite color? How old are you? Just stuff your best friend would know.”

Evan relaxed slightly. “Okay, um, I’m seventeen, my favorite color is blue, I like trees, and, um, I’m not sure what else,” he gave a nervous laugh. “I’m not a very interesting person, I guess.”

“You’re very interesting,” Connor blurted. Evan jumped, and gave him a strange look. Connor blushed. “I just mean, um, you seem really- um, you seem interesting. Don’t sell yourself short. It’s annoying.” He tried to glare.

“Right. Sorry.”

“It’s annoying when you apologize all the time, too.”

“Sorry.”

Connor looked at Evan, and was startled to see a sly grin painted across Evan’s face. “Hansen, are you fucking with me?”

Evan’s smile disappeared. He looked down, mumbling ‘sorry’s’ to the ground.

“No, no, don’t apologize for real,” Connor protested. “It was funny.” 

Evan grinned.

“Connor, are you awake? Dinner’s ready- oh!” Cynthia walked in but froze at the sight of another boy sitting on Connor’s bed. She relaxed when she saw it was Evan. “Evan, hi! What are you doing here?”

“Oh, um, I-I-I- I was just welcoming Connor back to school, and we thought we’d hang out, catch up. We haven’t seen each other in so long,” Evan stammered.

This sounded about as fake as it possibly could to Connor, but Cynthia beamed. “That’s great! It’ll be so nice to have everyone around the house more often.” Connor rolled his eyes pointedly, which she ignored. “Evan, do you want to stay for dinner?” Cynthia asked, despite Connor’s frantic head shaking behind him. From the little Connor knew about Evan, he did not imagine that Evan would handle a dinner invite well. “I’m making gluten free spaghetti,” she said encouragingly.

To Connor’s surprise, however, Evan stood up and smiled at her, suddenly completely at ease. “No, thank you, Mrs. Murphy. I have to go home tonight. Tonight’s the only night my mom is home this week, and I promised her I would have dinner with her. Maybe some other time?”

“That would be lovely, Evan, and how many times do I have to tell you to call me Cynthia?” she teased.

“At least one more,” he laughed. 

“How’s tomorrow, then? I can order pizza, if you aren’t in the mood for gluten free. I know Zoe and Connor get so tired of it.”

“That sounds great,” Evan smiled. He grabbed his coat, and started to walk towards the door. “I’ll see you all tomorrow, then.”

Connor looked back and forth between his mother and Evan in disbelief. Who was this new Evan? Where was the Evan who couldn’t make eye contact with people, who stuttered and tripped over his words, and always seemed so nervous? With a sickening feeling, Connor wondered if it was him making Evan nervous. 

Or, as a new thought occurred to him, was Evan only this comfortable with his family? A new feeling that could almost be described as jealousy washed over him. He wanted to make Evan feel comfortable around him. He didn’t want Evan to be more comfortable around his family than him.  
Which was crazy, because they weren’t even really friends, but for the first time, Connor wondered what his life would have been like, if he had had a friend like Evan. What his life could be, if they ended up becoming friends still. He had to stop thinking like this. It was only stressing him out, messing with his head. He had to distance himself from the situation. But still, it couldn’t hurt to think about having a friend like Evan…

He looked up and saw both Evan and his mother looking at him expectantly, and with a bit of concern. “…What?” he managed.

“Does tomorrow work for you, sweetie?” Cynthia asked hesitantly.

“Does tomorrow work for _what_?” Connor scowled. He really needed to pay more attention when his mother was talking.

“Does tomorrow work for dinner.” Evan was looking at him strangely. It wasn’t even a question, really, because Connor wasn’t in any position to refuse time to show off a “friend” to his parents, and Evan knew it.

“Of course it does,” he tried to school his features into something representing a smile, but from the way that Evan and Cynthia were looking at him, Connor assumed it did not. He immediately dropped the attempt, and went back to his strictly neutral expression. “See you then.”

Evan nodded, and walked out, stopping at the doorway to offer him a smile and a wave. Connor waved back, hesitantly. 

“I’ll walk you out, dear,” he heard Cynthia say, as if from a distance. The moment they were both gone, Connor collapsed onto his bed, face down, muffling his scream of frustration.

“Connor?” Zoe’s face immediately appeared in the doorway, looking both concerned and suspicious.

He groaned. “I’m fine, Zoe. It’s just a lot to take at once, and Mom is kind of stressing me out.” He knew their mother’s constant hovering was grating on Zoe, too, and he was hoping to score some points with her. 

Zoe, however, immediately scowled at him. “Lay off Mom, okay? She’s doing her best, and she’s trying to show how much she loves you the only way she knows how!” She turned to storm out, and Connor could feel them slipping into their old routine again.

“You’re right.” Zoe paused, her back still turned to him. “You’re right, Zoe, I’m not being fair to Mom, or you. You shouldn’t have to babysit me, or tiptoe around me just because you’re afraid to set me off. I’ve been really shitty to the both of you, and I’m sorry.” 

Zoe slowly turned back around to face him. Jaw clenched, she nodded, then ran out of the room. Connor sighed. Well, it was progress.

 

**  
**_Evan_  


By the time Evan was home, it was already dark. He fumbled with the key, wishing that he had told the truth. Wishing that his mother was actually home, for once. He walked inside, and was surprised to see all the lights on. 

“Hi, honey!” Heidi walked out from the kitchen, holding her arms out. Evan let himself melt into the hug, holding on tightly. 

“What are you doing home? I thought you had class tonight.”

Heidi beamed. “It was cancelled, so I picked up some pizza on the way home, thought I’d have dinner with my son, for once!” An awkward silence filled the room. She coughed. “It’s in the kitchen, if you’re hungry!” She smiled nervously, and walked inside. Evan followed her.

“I wasn’t expecting you home so late, Evan,” Heidi tried to start the conversation.

“Sorry,” Evan mumbled, looking down at his pizza.

“No, no, I’m glad!” Heidi exclaimed. Evan looked at her, confused. “I’m glad that you were out, doing things, putting yourself out there. Were you hanging out with Jared?” she inquired.

“No, actually,” Evan coughed, trying to find a way to change the topic. Then it occurred to him that this was good. It wasn’t as if he had to keep Connor a secret from his mom, after all, and it would make her happy to think that Evan had friends. “I, uh, I was at Connor’s house, actually.” 

She looked confused. “Connor Murphy?” he nodded. “But didn’t he, you know,” she blinked at him to convey the unpleasant words she was trying to convey.

“Kill himself?” Evan asked wryly.

“Well,” Heidi looked uncomfortable. “Yes, I suppose that’s what I meant. Oh!” her face cleared. “Do you mean you were with Zoe? I like her, she’s such a nice girl.”

Evan was already shaking his head. “No, mom, actually, it turns out, Connor’s alive. He was in a coma, and his parents kept it a secret, but he’s awake now. Today was his first day back at school, actually.”

Heidi nodded, trying, and failing to not look concerned. “And, are you two… close?”

Evan took a deep breath. He hated lying to his mother. “Yes, actually. Connor is my best friend.”

“Evan, honey, that’s wonderful! I’m so glad you have a- well, that is, I’m relieved, I mean-” Heidi took a breath. “Why didn’t you tell me about him? I’ve never even heard you say Connor’s name before today.”

Evan shrugged. “I don’t know, mom, we just wanted to keep it a secret, I guess. We emailed a lot, because we didn’t really see each other at school. I guess I didn’t see what the big deal was about telling you, since it’s not like it would have mattered anyway.”

Heidi seemed to deflate. Evan rushed to fix his mistake. “I mean, I just didn’t want you to worry about me, because it seemed more like an online friend than someone I actually knew, which incidentally wasn’t the case, but I just didn’t want to worry you, is all.” 

His mother brightened. “Well, that’s so sweet of you for thinking of me, but you don’t have to worry about that! Now,” she straightened up, “are there any other friends you’ve been hiding from me?”

Evan started to shake his head. “No, just Connor-” he had a thought. “-and Alana, I guess.”

“Alana?” Heidi beamed.

“Yeah. We’ve been… acquaintances, for a while, and then we started a… project together, and now we’re friends, I guess.”

“Evan, honey, I’m so proud of you! That’s just wonderful!” Heidi paused. “Do you,” she hesitated. “Do you want to have them over for dinner sometime? I’ll take the night off, and you can invite over Alana and Zoe, and Connor and Jared!” 

Evan’s heart sank, just thinking of it. “Yeah, sure, Mom, that sounds great. I’ll ask them, and let you know.” The look of pure unfiltered delight from his mother was almost worth it.

**Author's Note:**

> Aha guess who figured out how to use bold and italics? I'm honestly so proud of myself this is so sad. Hopefully it makes the story a little easier to understand. Enjoy!


End file.
